Keep writing. Keep finding and making connections and you'll find your way through it all. I kissed a looooot of frogs (and even a couple o' toads wearing devilishly good makeup) until I found my prince, not long after I turned forty. Twenty years on and we still can't believe our good fortune in finding each other. PLUS a life full of all those good connections I never stopped making during the frog-kissing years. Who knows - the testicle tanner and you might not be a match made in heaven, but you got a good story by discovering him, and he might even have a story to trade with you!
Great piece!! Regarding the whole dating online conundrum we are in-
Love your point about buying this dream that we can almost order people on-demand for a shot at romance. the apps are horrid. Not making things easier.
Def agree the whole thing is a hassle too.
I spent so much time trashing and thinking about online dating and then kinda found my person? Yeah. I found my person. Through hinge. Yikes. I’ll be the first to say yikes to that.
I’m a couple years older (early 30s) and I’m coming from a guys perspective- but I think the best advice I got about the apps was from an ex that they are simply a “first date generator” and nothing more.
I think using all avenues (in-person meet ups, join a club, still go on hinge) is the best bet. The problem with just doing irl stuff and no app is everyone is on the phone. You’re bringing a knife to a gun fight, so to speak.
Anyway, loved the piece! Good luck finding your person.
thank you! I think that is the way it goes — it’s so terrible until it’s not! which is exciting in its own way. I do think the mixed irl/app based approach is ideal when your head’s in the right place for it. but I also love to complain!
this: "You become painfully aware of the egocentrism of major cities and the creative-class freaks who populate them, yourself included. The men tend to be self-absorbed, unemployed, or both; the women tend to be anxious with underdeveloped conflict resolution skills and pathological independence issues. Yourself included." !!!!!!!
Thanks for sharing your first hand "research" on dating apps lol I think it absolutely affects self esteem as it is a metric for your attractiveness. I found myself lacking confidence because I'm not 6,1 white college educated male but irl I didn't think about those things in normal interactions. I think social media affects our expectations as well but that's for another time. Thanks for this lovely piece!
I've definitely been here, and yes the apps suck, but when my mindset shifted and I switched to actually looking for long-term, dating intentionally with helpful advice from some detatchment-dating influencers like Sabrina Zohar (with my own twist of course), I started actually having an okay time. So far I've been enjoying myself, even if I do turn down people early on and vice-versa. However, my life is already full of other things like volunteering and hobbies, and I do run at run club but will NOT date anyone there haha. It's always good to take a break and recenter yourself, but it's not all hopeless once you define what you really want out of dating. Good luck!
this letter SPOKE TO ME. I wish I could buy you a beer. Additionally, your writing is so exquisite that I trust your recommendations and will be checking out some of these books/podcasts/albums!! Merci and happy August
Lorie thank you! lmk what you think of anything you check out — fwiw I do think the trifecta of Mating, I Love Dick and On Women HEAVILY affected my dating disillusionment so proceed w caution there lol
Might be stealing “extended humiliation ritual” for the title of my memoir
Yes!!! Every part of this was relatable, down to the bitchy notes app musings & gamified self-branding (& deleting hinge this summer, of course)
Keep writing. Keep finding and making connections and you'll find your way through it all. I kissed a looooot of frogs (and even a couple o' toads wearing devilishly good makeup) until I found my prince, not long after I turned forty. Twenty years on and we still can't believe our good fortune in finding each other. PLUS a life full of all those good connections I never stopped making during the frog-kissing years. Who knows - the testicle tanner and you might not be a match made in heaven, but you got a good story by discovering him, and he might even have a story to trade with you!
Great piece!! Regarding the whole dating online conundrum we are in-
Love your point about buying this dream that we can almost order people on-demand for a shot at romance. the apps are horrid. Not making things easier.
Def agree the whole thing is a hassle too.
I spent so much time trashing and thinking about online dating and then kinda found my person? Yeah. I found my person. Through hinge. Yikes. I’ll be the first to say yikes to that.
I’m a couple years older (early 30s) and I’m coming from a guys perspective- but I think the best advice I got about the apps was from an ex that they are simply a “first date generator” and nothing more.
I think using all avenues (in-person meet ups, join a club, still go on hinge) is the best bet. The problem with just doing irl stuff and no app is everyone is on the phone. You’re bringing a knife to a gun fight, so to speak.
Anyway, loved the piece! Good luck finding your person.
thank you! I think that is the way it goes — it’s so terrible until it’s not! which is exciting in its own way. I do think the mixed irl/app based approach is ideal when your head’s in the right place for it. but I also love to complain!
Pinegrove can always find their way onto a playlist, and will always influence your dating habits.
Almost as much as an Os Perkins + Eraserhead binge will rebirth you into a stranger you keep borrowing money from, but can't seem to hike with.
this: "You become painfully aware of the egocentrism of major cities and the creative-class freaks who populate them, yourself included. The men tend to be self-absorbed, unemployed, or both; the women tend to be anxious with underdeveloped conflict resolution skills and pathological independence issues. Yourself included." !!!!!!!
Thanks for sharing your first hand "research" on dating apps lol I think it absolutely affects self esteem as it is a metric for your attractiveness. I found myself lacking confidence because I'm not 6,1 white college educated male but irl I didn't think about those things in normal interactions. I think social media affects our expectations as well but that's for another time. Thanks for this lovely piece!
I've definitely been here, and yes the apps suck, but when my mindset shifted and I switched to actually looking for long-term, dating intentionally with helpful advice from some detatchment-dating influencers like Sabrina Zohar (with my own twist of course), I started actually having an okay time. So far I've been enjoying myself, even if I do turn down people early on and vice-versa. However, my life is already full of other things like volunteering and hobbies, and I do run at run club but will NOT date anyone there haha. It's always good to take a break and recenter yourself, but it's not all hopeless once you define what you really want out of dating. Good luck!
oh totally agree! I feel like my brain needs to detox a bit but am excited to reengage when it’s time
this letter SPOKE TO ME. I wish I could buy you a beer. Additionally, your writing is so exquisite that I trust your recommendations and will be checking out some of these books/podcasts/albums!! Merci and happy August
Lorie thank you! lmk what you think of anything you check out — fwiw I do think the trifecta of Mating, I Love Dick and On Women HEAVILY affected my dating disillusionment so proceed w caution there lol
But you really should join a running club and make new friends in person.